Poetry
We've been working on poetry for several weeks. The assignment was to write an original piece about War, Truth, Peace, Violence, or Power and then present you poem at exhibition as either a spoken word (where you are the performance), a visual art piece along with a spoken word, or create a video and speak your poem over it. I chose to write a series of 3 poems about Power, Truth, and the relationship between them. The form I used was tredecims. Tredecim poems are made up entirely of similes and metaphors. For the presentation I made a time-lapse video of me drawing a picture, and each drawing relates to some of the lines from that poem.
Exhibition Poem Presentation
Click here to see the other poetry projects, some of them are really cool!
https://www.youtube.com/user/TheLoriTeacher/videos?sort=dd&shelf_id=3&view=0
https://www.youtube.com/user/TheLoriTeacher/videos?sort=dd&shelf_id=3&view=0
Poem Final draft
Like a Tiger Pouncing on Prey, She is Power
She stands proudly like an Empress stands before subjects
Filled with the confidence of all mankind
Arrogance like that of a teenage boy
She is an ominous horizon overlooking the landscape
The smell of rain like clouds stewing silently
She is a siren luring sailors into rocks
Like the lust of a sailor chasing his sea deity
She is fear on a midnight walk under the full moon
She is like poison dissolving in a wine glass
She is the hunger of a starving lioness
She is powerful like a tiger pouncing on prey
She is cold-blooded like a Komodo dragon
She is fierce like a cheetah protecting her cubs
Filled with the confidence of all mankind
Arrogance like that of a teenage boy
She is an ominous horizon overlooking the landscape
The smell of rain like clouds stewing silently
She is a siren luring sailors into rocks
Like the lust of a sailor chasing his sea deity
She is fear on a midnight walk under the full moon
She is like poison dissolving in a wine glass
She is the hunger of a starving lioness
She is powerful like a tiger pouncing on prey
She is cold-blooded like a Komodo dragon
She is fierce like a cheetah protecting her cubs
Like the Constant Tides of the Ocean, He is Truth
He is blunt like an iceberg in the arctic
The biting cold of a frozen sea
He is like a clearing in a dense green forest
A bold doe stepping out from the trees
He is like a hawk swooping down on an exposed hare
He is a loaded trap hidden beneath leaves
He is indifferent like winter when she melts into spring
He is summer falling into autumn, a brisk and uninvited chill
He is crystal clear like a shot of vodka
He is honest, the man who had twenty shots
He is like the constant tides of the ocean
Dangerous like the rapids of a river
He is abrupt like the swell of a tsunami
The biting cold of a frozen sea
He is like a clearing in a dense green forest
A bold doe stepping out from the trees
He is like a hawk swooping down on an exposed hare
He is a loaded trap hidden beneath leaves
He is indifferent like winter when she melts into spring
He is summer falling into autumn, a brisk and uninvited chill
He is crystal clear like a shot of vodka
He is honest, the man who had twenty shots
He is like the constant tides of the ocean
Dangerous like the rapids of a river
He is abrupt like the swell of a tsunami
Like a Selfish Couple, They are Truth and Power
He is persistent like weeds growing between sidewalk cracks
She is an endless waterfall cascading power
He is constant like constellations in the night sky
He is a still pond reflecting back truth
She is forceful like the discharge of a lightning strike
They are as vast and infinite as space
They are burning up like a shooting star as it falls to Earth
Jealous little kids wanting what the other has
They fight like siblings, hatred and love lost in the moment
A heated argument without a winner
They are like a selfish couple in love, oblivious to the world
Like a river his truth can only be free
When like a beaver she ceases to damn
Interconnected but existing in different dimensions
An optical illusion, a trick of the mind
Their lines are both parallel and perpendicular
She is an endless waterfall cascading power
He is constant like constellations in the night sky
He is a still pond reflecting back truth
She is forceful like the discharge of a lightning strike
They are as vast and infinite as space
They are burning up like a shooting star as it falls to Earth
Jealous little kids wanting what the other has
They fight like siblings, hatred and love lost in the moment
A heated argument without a winner
They are like a selfish couple in love, oblivious to the world
Like a river his truth can only be free
When like a beaver she ceases to damn
Interconnected but existing in different dimensions
An optical illusion, a trick of the mind
Their lines are both parallel and perpendicular
Growth as a poet
The 1st draft of my poem only had the Power and Truth poems, the third that combined those two came in the 2nd draft. The perspective of that third poem in the early drafts only compared Power and Truth and showed how they were similar and entwined. In my final draft the perspective has changed to show how Power and Truth are similar, but also how they are different. It shows how they are both connected and divided in a complex relationship that is not as simple as the early drafts suggest. In my 2nd draft I end the third poem with the line “their paths entwined like a tiger and water.” Throughout all three poems I rely heavily on an idea of repetition of ideas and concepts that compares Power and Truth, but have no lines showing how they’re different. In my final draft the Power and Truth poems have completely different ideas, and the third poem shows not only the similarities but also the differences. The lines that best sum up this relationship are these three ending lines from my final draft, “Interconnected but existing in different dimensions/ An optical illusion, a trick of the mind/ Their lines are both parallel and perpendicular.” These lines change the perspective by creating “impossible” mental images that help the reader visualize the relationship between Power and Truth as dynamic and complex, not as simple and similar like in the early drafts.
Another example of how my perspective changed didn’t happen until the later drafts. From the beginning I knew I somehow wanted to incorporate this idea that ‘Truth can only be free when Power ceases to oppress’ into the ending of my third poem. I knew I wanted that perspective in my poem, but it took me until draft 5 (of 6) to figure out how. The main problem was that since tredecims are made up entirely of similes and metaphors, I had to figure out how to incorporate that idea into 2 similes that also connected to each other and the themes I created in my poems. My first attempt was, “He can only be free like the truths of Pandora’s box/ When she ceases to oppress like a Queen ordering subjects,” and the revised 2nd attempt that made it into the final poem was “Like a river his truth can only be free/ When like a beaver she ceases to damn.” This changed the perspective and added to my poem by connecting this idea back to the themes of animals and nature that I used throughout the Power and Truth poems. I’m so glad I accepted the piece of feedback on revising those lines because it made my poem much stronger and smoother to read.
One of the most important changes that occurred in my poem not only improved the overall quality of the poem, but also improved my ability as a poet, writer, and student. I never realized before this project that I struggle with accepting feedback. I believe I’m fine with taking constructive criticism, I just kind of decide what I wrote was better and choose to ignore people’s advice. The biggest change my poem underwent was when I asked Hannah and Raven to critique my poem, and decided that no matter what the change was, I had to make it. I basically completely rewrote my poem, but it turned out way better than it would have if I’d kept it the way I’d liked it. Before making this change I had a line in the Power poem about a patient crane, a line in the Truth poem about a patient crane, and this line in the third poem, “They’re a patient crane waiting for a fish.” In my final draft I got rid of the patient crane idea completely. It wasn’t in any of the three poems. This idea was only one of many examples where I repeated ideas in the first poem, second poem, and third poem. I thought this idea of repetition would connect the ideas in my poem. I personally liked this idea, but several people who read my poem told me it didn’t work. Now that I’ve made that change, I completely agree that it needed to be made. My poem reads a lot smoother now, and it’s not confusing. The contrast, as well as the similarities between Power and Truth is now clear. In the early drafts I repeated this ‘medieval time’ theme in the Power and Truth poems. In the third poem I repeated some of the lines from the first two. In my final draft none of the ideas between the Power poem and Truth poem are the same, no lines are repeated, and every line in each poem is a new idea. This change affects the intellectual message of the poem by introducing more ideas and ways of seeing Power, Truth, and the relationship between them. This impacts the emotional message by creating a sharp contrast between Power and Truth in the first two poems, then comparing them and creating a complicated balance in the third poem. Before making the change the emotional message wasn’t as clear, making the perspective harder to understand. Part of the idea of my poem is to show the complicated relationship between Power and Truth, and when the first two poems described them as similar and the third described them as entwined, that message wasn’t clear. This was a significant change not only to my poem, but also to me as a student. Because of deciding to make every change suggested, I learned not only how to accept feedback from peers and apply it to my writing, but also that I’m not the only one with good ideas.
Anther important change I made to my poem between drafts 4 and 6 (the final draft) was a piece of feedback I received from Lori. She suggested that instead of making each line in all the poems it’s own simile or metaphor, try to connect the ideas more throughout each poem. I found several places in each poem where I could do this fairly easily. One of my favorite places where I connected 2 lines was where I changed “She is a siren luring sailors into rocks/ She is nimble like a mountain goat on a cliff/ She is fear on a midnight walk under the full moon” to the lines “She is a siren luring sailors into rocks/ Like the lust of a sailor chasing his sea deity/ She is fear on a midnight walk under the full moon.” The transition from sirens to mountain goats to fear on a midnight walk seemed a bit choppy, and I wondered if I could make it smoother by changing it into a part where the lines were connected. Intellectually I realized nimble wasn’t the right word to describe Power with the emotional mood I was creating. Changing the lines to connect solved that problem and gave the poem more intellectual depth. This affected the emotional mood of the poem by “darkening” it a little to better match the emotional aura surrounding Power. I feel like I created a dark, mysterious, almost foreboding kind of persona for Power and nimble didn’t fit with that, but the eery idea of sirens luring sailors definitely did. I’m really glad I made this change. It made my poem a lot smoother and fixed the intellectual and emotional messages of that part of the Power poem to match the tone of the rest of it.
My third important change was something very minor but that I consider to be really important. The first line of my Power poem is comparing Power’s proud stance to royalty. I’ve always had this as the first line. The line is “She stands proudly like a King stands before subjects.” In a way it’s one of the most important lines because it immediately sets a mood and sets the stage for the rest of the poem. Everyone got caught on that line because Power is portrayed as she, but is being described as a King. For most of the writing process the most common piece of feedback I received was that it needed to be changed, but no one had suggestions of how. Replacing ‘King’ with ‘Queen’ never felt right because when I thought of a Queen I didn’t think of her standing proudly. It changed the image the figurative language provoked, and also changed the meaning of the poem because that was the first image readers got. Finally the day before my poem was due, Ian suggested Empress. The line, now “She stands proudly like an Empress stands before subjects,” is the bold opening line I needed. The word Empress changes the intellectual message by keeping the gender correct, and providing a more intellectually forceful word than King or Queen. It affects the emotional message by creating stronger imagery. Empresses are generally imagined as more powerful and fear-inducing than Queens, setting the emotional mood right away. Because of the emotional mood I tried to create about Power, changing this line makes it very clear right from the start that Power has a sense of strength and beauty collected in a deadly combination. It does a really good job of leading into the other lines of the first stanza. I’m really glad I was able to find the perfect word instead of settling for either King or Queen, because this change makes the whole series of poems way stronger.